Sleigh Ride

flying in my homemade sleigh

navigating family memories to

three-year-old me, Shirley Temple cheeks, smile and curls,

red dress with pearly polka dots, winter white tights

black patent leather Mary Janes

full-on lighthearted glee

rocking horse through time and years

to high school, college, beyond, mom's

stuffed twice baked potatoes with cheddar and bacon

cornish hens with stuffing inside, crunchy on the edge like I like

the three of us: Mom, Dad, Jenn

attend church service at Grace Methodist, lighting candles, 

taking communion, singing as one

Mom wears the silver fox fur that is now hanging in my closet

then

Christmas Eve viewing the lights in Alamogordo,

description of holiday designs and colors,

following the luminaria trail in our red and silver Chevrolet

through Tularosa
after dinner

Dad drives me to Jess's or Kira's to exchange gifts and hugs
inside our casa at 1315 Desert Eve, there are ceramic village 

houses from Aunt Kathy in Mahwah covered in snow

the manger scene displayed in the den

tinsel and strings of rainbow bulbs on the tree

Dad & I picked out together

my ballerina ornament, the popsicle sled from first grade

with glitter and my black and white school photo 

I know am wearing my turquoise and purple striped dress, 

cornsilk waves cover my shoulders in Ms. Sandoval's class

every year I get to pick out a new ornament inside Dillard's department store

I see Kori and Jessica at the dining room table 

scalloped potato casserole with ham by my mom for our

friendship high school holiday dinners and 90210 calendar gifts

in eleventh we decide let's invite Tres and Mike Joyner

snap disposable camera photos, we look lovely in

school dance-like dresses and curling iron ringlets 
for our annual special occasion

view Coke talks with Jess, our Christmas Day
walks to Nics Quick Pic down Pecan Ave
12 to 15, then driving to Washington Park
to share holiday gossip, future dreams of moving to the big city 

turn the corner to 21-year-old me after working at 
Oshman's Sporting Goods in Las Cruces
festive corsage on my wrist and hot cider sips

desperate to drive home despite the snow over the Organ mountains 
to be with my parents in Alamo, 
having to make the necessary stop at a tiny bar

on the side of the hill,

walking in to the splendid sight of jolly men and women toasting 
with beer and wine, before cell phones in my world, 
asking the bartender to let me use the phone to call Mom and Dad. 
Divorce is coming as I prepare to graduate from college, I know, 
but He rescues me in the blizzard and gets me home on time

to make Christmas 

twirl to 22-year-old me driving home from Belen, New Mexico

reporter Jennifer living alone for the first time, 
writing poetry to help heal, capture moments of strength,

returning to "how do we celebrate this year?"

we buy our first Christmas tree without Dad

"how do we put this up and keep it standing?"

Mom and I figure it out together 

I hunt for all of the decorations in the rain-rusted shed in our backyard

She makes stuffed mushrooms and fancy broccoli casserole 
with cream of chicken and delicious glazed cauliflower 
with mayonaisse and cheddar

she stands tall to put the glowing angel on top of the tree

switch back
in elementary there are

Cabbage Patch Kid additions to my collection

redhead, brunette, the baby with one patch of hair - the one that can go in the tub, 

the blonde in a fancy lace dress from Spain

a 10-speed bicyle beside the tree

there are photos of Jess and I posing with our super blonde hair in our 
early college years, NMSU-A, Harvard On The Hill

silk button up dresses and sweater sets and before that

red hair experiments (I see myself squeezing my dad 
while wearing  a plaid beret from the Mesilla Valley Mall) 
with grey jumpers and My So-Called Life discussions

in 2006, the day after Christmas

Chris gets to celebrate in my childhood home with us 

before Mom moves to New Jersey in the spring

He gets to have Margo's flautas, red and green chile, and warm garlic 
tostada chips with homemade guacamole

my mom's lasagna with ricotta and spicy sausage
lattes on top of the gypsum dunes at White Sands
the three of us share casino time Inn of the Mountain Gods

then in Toms River, at Mom's house, I take the bus from Port Authority

to se e her tree decorated in the window and snacks ready for me

we g o to church at Pinelands where I know her new friends

on Christmas we watch Die Hard with 

Eric, Carmela, Al and Maggie,

Al makes pancakes & waffles in the morning with bacon

coffee is served of course

we eat prime  rib for dinner and my favorite twice baked potatoes

and pound cake with peppermint ice cream and strawberries
we get through the need of blood glucose gel after dinner for
her blood sugar pick-me-up

in Woodstock, we see Santa arrive on a surfboard in the parade

drink champagne, eat proscuitto and pear

appetizers at Tom & Al's house

we sleep in the upstairs guest room, feeling pampered and taken care of

Shared Joan Rivers brooches 

Mom and I alternate red ribbon with gold and diamond sparkle

the pure silver Christmas tree, one is all gold, then there is green one with

little dots of green, red, and gold

cranberry scarves to be cute and keep us warm

today I am wearing one of her white hand-painted ornament earrings

with gold and red swirls to depict candles and pointsettias

a simple pearl is in my right earloabe

the red fleece she sent me in 2005 
"You're never fully dressed without a smile,"

snowman shirt is on my body as I type these words

in Muscatine, Iowa, I sit on the front porch with Dad
celebrating the spirit of Christmas in February
gratitude for our relationship 
we open gifts of conversation and connection
he takes Chris and I to tour local museums and on a boat ride
down the Muscatine river with my sister Debbie and his wife, Joan

on this sleigh ride I stop in the neighborhoods of my life

all at once and individually,

I drop in, look inside the windows, 

to be in the endless LOVE, the movement through endless change

and perseverance 

the wrapping and unwrapping of the gifts with my parents

near the fireplace, sipping coffee in our pottery mountain-arts-fair collected mugs

Mom in the black leather rocker with her golden thread and black fancy robe with feathers

all of us sipping coffee, me laughing with a paperback copy of The Rules

the selection of fishing rods and special cool gadgets Mom and I found for him

The clothes, his eye for knowing what she adored, the phenomenal prints and 

dramatic dresses and wild wraps,

turqoise & coral & lapis pendants, 
other Native American stone sterling silver treasures, 

I hold their hands now, Mom and Dad, remembering the magic of unwrapping 

only one gift on Christmas Eve - often, I would select my Aunt Maureen 

from Hawaii's package to begin.

This year, I will make cornish hens for my husband as I

read their cards and hear their voices.

This year, the gift of being myself and the daughter of Jack Eugene 
and Patricia Anne is 
“All I Want for Christmas.”

I value each friend, each relative, in my story
for their individual talents and characteristics.

I will cuddle with my niece Charly in Rosendale and contribute to my house of love 

I am in the Upper West Side at work and will go home to decorate

my home with Chris in Astoria, Queens

I celebrate and am present here in New York City while savoring

my magic sleigh

traveling

the streets, the towns, the places where I have lived and loved